** THIS JUST IN **

Batten down the hatches folks, Old Man Winter, recently returned from sabbatical, has his sights set on Southern Ontario. Residents are warned of a winter clipper furiously tracking from the central US. The clipper, nicknamed, Stupid Head, has joined forces with the repeat offender, Beulah Low from the southeast, and plan to strike late Monday night. If left unchecked, these two miscreants will wreak havoc well into Wednesday.

Reliable sources tell this reporter that although local residents plan to use their NIMBY cards, SH and B Low are unlikely to listen and will drop a crap ton of snow over the area.

Hoard your snacks kids, it could get ugly out there.

Feathers fly in big city park brawl …

Photograph by Carol Hathaway - 2014

Photograph by Carol Hathaway – 2014

THIS JUST IN!

Feathers were raised today in what witnesses are calling the “Brawl of the Century”.

Visitors at a local park were shocked to discover a fight in progress between a gang of rival black birds over what appeared to be an abandoned pear.  While large enough to provide food to all involved, the “Dark Legged Flyers” laid claim to the find and were reluctant to allow members of the “High Flyers” access to the sweet treat.

Said one witness, “Dem birds were scrappin’ all right.  Squawkin’ somethin’ fierce.  One of the huskier fellas tried to make off with it, but that pear was too darn big.”

Local police interviewed several witnesses at the scene and forensics experts are expected to work the area around the park for any clues as to the whereabouts of gang members involved in the altercation.